Back to our series on the Our Baby Class Guiding Principles.  This week, we're talking about the fourth guiding principle: If what you are doing is not working for you, your partner, or your baby, it's ok! You can change it!  

Example #1:  You might have read my post about my unintended bedsharing.  For six months, having my daughter sleep in our bed worked great for us.  I didn't know how often she was nursing at night because I barely woke up, and no one had to get out of bed, so everyone got more sleep. It was great!  But then, it stopped working for us.  Suddenly, my six month old wanted an all night buffet of all-you-can-drink milk, and neither of us were getting much sleep.  Meanwhile, my husband expressed dissatisfaction with being kicked by a squirmy baby instead of cuddling with his wife.  We decided to make a change.  First, we transitioned her back to the long-abandoned co-sleeper, and then to her own room.  Luckily, she was ready for the change so it was a pretty seamless transition (don't hate me!).  

Example #2: My son learned to climb out of the cosleeper and refused to stay in our shared bed.  Since my office is in our bedroom, babyproofing the bedroom was not a good solution for us.  That's when we put the floor bed in his room, which we later replaced with a twin bed.  Everyone was happier after we made that change, even though I would have loved to have had him in our room later.  

Example #3: No matter what we did, we could not help our son get a good night's sleep. We tried everything.  More on that in a minute.  


Well what do you do when what you're doing isn't working? How do you decide what and how to change?  

First of all, trust your instincts.  They might tell you what to do.  Try what feels right.  
Second, ask trusted friends or family members for advice.  Before you are too far on the parenting journey, you probably already know who NOT to ask for advice.  (If you don't have friends who are supportive of your parenting journey, my classes can help you meet people who will be!). 
Third, when you've exhausted all advice, know when to turn to an expert.  Read a book.  Go to a mentored support group. Or ask your pediatrician for resources.  

Back to example #3.  I knew something was off about my son's sleep.  I've read a lot of sleep books and talked to a lot of parents about sleep.  I knew about typical sleep struggles.  That didn't fit what was going on with my baby.  My instincts told me something was up.  We were already discovering developmental delays, so it seemed like sleep was part of a bigger picture.  Our pediatrician agreed, and my son started physical therapy.  His physical therapist had a lot of experience with kids who have sensory processing disorder and was able to suggest strategies that fit my son's needs even before he received any official label.  We were trying to do all the traditional techniques to calm a baby and get them ready to go to sleep, but they weren't working for us. So we changed what we were doing, and our lives improved dramatically!  

In my first post, I talked about how I had to trust my instincts when breastfeeding wasn't working for us. We made the changes we needed, and life got better.  

Is something not working well for you and your family right now?  How can I help you find the right change for you?  

    If you are a parent, then you already know about all the promises you made to yourself before you were a parent about the things you definitely were or were not going to do.  Sometimes, we stick to those. Sometimes, we don’t.  

I was never ever ever going to let my kid sleep in my bed. Even though I slept (occasionally) in my dad’s bed until I was nine because of nightmares.  Even though I slept in my grandmother’s bed when I visited her, chattering like girls at a slumber party until we fell asleep, until I was in high school.  Even though I loved sleeping next to my husband and rolling over to chat first thing in the morning on the weekends.  

Then, when I was pregnant, I read the American Association of Pediatrics recommendations on co-sleeping (which actually means sleeping in the same room).  They recommend sharing a room with baby until the infant reaches the age of six months as a measure to prevent SIDS. Like any new mother, I wanted to do everything possible to reduce SIDS risk.  So, we bought a second hand co-sleeper that attached to the bed.  I figured that was good enough.  

Then, my daughter was born.  For three weeks, I sat up with her, waking every two hours, sleepily nursing for 45 minutes to an hour, then dutifully putting her back in the co-sleeper to sleep for an hour before we started over.  

Then, she was three weeks old and I discovered how to nurse while lying on my side.  I could doze while she nursed.  Game changer.  I realized that I was falling back to sleep without putting her back, my body curled protectively around her, one arm out to keep from rolling on her.  And there she slept for six more months.  

Then I read an article by James McKenna and found out that almost all nursing mothers take that protective sleeping position.  I learned about the biology of bed sharing. Then I learned about safe bed sharing practices.  Then I learned that in Japan, most babies bed share and they have the lowest occurrence of SIDS in the world.

Then, at six months old, it didn’t work for us anymore. She wanted to nurse all night and I wasn’t getting sleep at all.  We put her in her crib in her own room, and luckily for us, she transitioned without complaint...but in the middle of the night when she woke, I’d gather her into my arms and bring her into the warmth of our bed.  And in the morning, she’d reward me with grins and kisses.  

Then, her baby brother was born.  He was colicky. We set up the co-sleeper, but he started off in our bed right away, with all the safe bed sharing practices I’d learned about.  We moved him to the co-sleeper when he started climbing out of bed...and to his own room when he learned how to climb out of the co-sleeper.  

Then, we set up a floor bed to sleep safely next to him on nights and days when he needed extra comfort.  Then, we added a twin bed so we could bed share comfortably.  

Then, last night, my daughter’s feet pitter pattered down the wooden floor of the hallway, and she climbed over my legs, into the middle of the bed, and whispered in my ear. “I was afraid of the dark.”  And there she slept, safely nestled between us, knowing that we were there for her any time of the day or night.  


The Difference Between Co-sleeping and Bed Sharing
Co-sleeping means sharing a sleeping space. Bed Sharing means sharing a sleeping surface.

Safe Bed Sharing

• Breastfeed.  The breastfeeding mother and the baby share a hormone feedback cycle that results in heightened responsiveness.
• Position baby between mom and a bed rail or wall, with no gaps for baby to slip into.
• Baby should sleep on his or her back, regardless of where baby sleeps.
• Avoid bed sharing if smokers live in the house.
• Do not bed share under the effects of medication that makes you sleepy, illegal drugs, or alcohol.
• Use a firm flat mattress with tightly fitted sheets, no more than one pillow per adult, and lightweight bedding.  
• Never sleep on a waterbed, recliner, or couch.
• Do not swaddle baby if you plan on bed sharing.
• Certain conditions increase the risk of rolling onto baby such as certain medications or neurological disorders.

If, for any reason, you cannot bed share safely, a co-sleeper next to the bed provides a convenient but separate sleep surface.  And, even if you never plan on bed sharing (like me!), if you get sleepy with baby in 3am, the bed is the safest place to sleep, so know how to do it safely.  

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When many people hear the term “attachment parenting*,” they often have a certain type of parent in mind.  It may be a parent who wraps his or her child, a mother breastfeeding her toddler or preschooler, or children allowed to run the household.  There is often a perception that attachment parenting is for hippies and that it’s just another parenting fad.  In fact, attachment parenting is really traditional parenting, and has been around for far longer than Dr. Sears, the pediatrician who named it and promoted it.  Today, we’re going to examine some of the myths around attachment parenting and explore what attachment parenting really means.

Myth #1: Attachment Parenting is a parenting style invented by Dr. Sears.
    Attachment theory, the scientific theory behind attachment parenting, was studied by a psychologist named John Bowlby in the 1950s and named in 1969.  That’s not even the beginning.  Some of the practices encouraged in attachment parenting occur naturally across cultures around the world.  Bed sharing or co-sleeping is a common practice in many countries today and throughout history.  Breastfeeding is the original way to feed babies, and extended breastfeeding (past one year) remains a commonplace practice throughout the world.  A quick search on Pinterest will show a dazzling array of traditional baby carriers used on every (habitable) continent.  Attachment parenting is often in-line with parental instinct to keep babies close as they are in their early development.  However, Dr. Sears did come up with the term "attachment parenting."  

Myth #2: Attachment parenting is for helicopter parents.  
    Attachment parenting is for parents who realize that their own instincts and brain science both support practices that form close bonds from an early age.  Early attachment allows primate infants (including humans) to turn to their caregiver for protection when scared or otherwise emotionally upset.  When children feel this security, they are able to be more independent within a safe environment.  The caregiver remains available but allows the child to explore within his or her own comfort zone. 

Myth #3: Attachment parenting means never leaving my child. Only mothers can be “attachment parents.”
    Not true.  Dads are important too! Infants and small children can form attachment with multiple caregivers, as long as these caregivers are meeting their physical and emotional needs. In addition to parents, children can bond with grandparents, extended family, family friends, or a trusted daycare provider.   Remember, it takes a village to raise a child.  We weren't meant to raise our children in isolation.  

Myth #4: Attachment parenting means the parent must breastfeed/bedshare/babywear. If someone breastfeeds/bedshares/babywears, they are attachment parents.
    These practices can all promote attachment. However, these types of parenting decisions can benefit parents whether or not they know anything about attachment parenting.  Many parents do one or more of these things, without calling themselves attachment parents.  On the flip side, you can still be a warm caregiver who forms deep attachment with your child even without doing all of these things. Parents who feed their babies from a bottle can still feed their babies with love and respect.  For those not comfortable with bed-sharing, or for whom bed-sharing is higher risk, baby can still room in for the first six months (recommended by the American Association of Pediatrics as SIDS prevention) and have a safe and comfortable sleep space.  I personally think everyone can benefit from babywearing, but the important thing is to make baby feel safe and comfortable.  Dr. Sears does specifically promote babywearing, breastfeeding, and bedsharing. However, I think if you take it back to attachment theory, you can form a strong attachment without meeting those criteria.  

Myth #5: In attachment parenting, babies can’t ever be allowed to cry.      
    Newborn babies generally cry for a reason, although we can’t always tell why.  The attachment parent works to meet the infant’s emotional and physical needs. Babies need food, clean diapers, sleep, and closeness.  It may not always be easy to figure out which if these needs to be met, but the attachment parent will try.  If baby continues to cry, it may indicate a problem. But the attachment parent can also care for their own needs: baby can cry in someone else’s arms while the primary parent takes a shower or a nap. Even after caregivers meet basic needs, babies may cry over non-negotiable situations, such as riding in a car-seat. Older babies may cry when a potentially dangerous object is moved out of reach.  It’s ok for babies to cry sometimes.

Final Note: 
Some of Attachment Parenting International's principles align with Our Baby Class's guiding principles, and others go beyond OBC's scope.  Our Baby Class does not promote any particular parenting philosophy and instead urges parents to trust their instincts and do what works for themselves and their families.  If you'd like to learn more about Attachment Parenting, visit Attachment Parenting International.  

I've also focused on babies in this post, as attachment theory initially pertained to children under the age of two. Positive parenting (not permissive parenting) begins as soon as babies become mobile and continues throughout the parenting journey.  More on positive parenting in a later post!